As with each time I’m in a contemplative mood, a lot of things are happening or have happened. I don’t know if this is just a normal progression of things but much of my life revolves around work, family and the close friends. And because my close friends are also mostly pre-occupied with work, I’ve been increasingly spending time doing, what used to be group activities, on my own. It’s somewhat therapeutic although it does get to me once in a while.
I was having a pretzel at Auntie Anne’s the other day and I was just sitting there tearing bits and pieces of the cinnamon sugar-ed delight and staring blankly into the endless crowd that passed me by. Another guy sat at the other table rushing through a newspaper, his drink and, well, his pretzel. it wasn’t long before he stood and sacrificed himself to the crowd. For a moment, I questioned my existence. Why? At that moment, it felt so much like my presence/absence meant nothing. The blur of people that kept moving seemed to be a good reflection of the world – one where everyone takes the same path and those who aren’t on it rush to join up.
That made me think about my own life and where in this mess I would fit in? I think we’re put into this world without a purpose. Yes. We’re just plonked into this mess and, well, we get to choose. Some would go through life and leave as if they never even came. Others would well, leave a huge impression. A rare few, would leave a legacy that would live well beyond their own. And no one’s right or wrong for choosing any of those(or none at all). We get to choose. That’s the philosophical beauty of life, I think.
I wonder almost every day if I’ve made a difference. I wonder what it means to love, to live and perhaps, to love to live. I’m sure it’s not about holding on long enough so that ‘all this would be over’. But to say it’s about waking up every morning raring to go and face the world seems too obnoxiously creepy. What would life be without all the bits of disappointment, anger, extreme boredom and moments like this when we just sit back and somehow become a third party to our own lives?
I love my family now. Well, I’ve always loved them…but now I know I do. For all the times I’ve lashed out in anger(you can probably see some of that in my early 2000 posts), I now know how immature I was. It’s taken a series of crisis for me to truly appreciate my parents and my siblings. My youngest brother seems to be getting on pretty well while in the Home and parents are adapting really well to their children carving out their own lives. They no longer expect their kids to be around them all the time anymore. In a cliche-d sort of way, they’ve given us the wings we’ll need to use for ourselves for the rest of our lives. They’re happier too. And all that makes me happy.
I love my job. Sort of. I can’t really call it a job yet but it’s something that’s slowly shaping into something bigger. You see, jobs make people money. Somewhere, somehow it sells stuff. It could be a service or it could a tangible product. But what we’re doing at Widgeous(although still very much in its infancy) I think could seriously change how people do things. Most of us have many chances to make something work better or sell better. But once in a while, we get to do come up with something quite different…something that could change the norm. And that’s why I love it.
I love my friends. And they’re all coming home soon. The days when we could just grab a drink or two and talk about all things under the sun will probably return. 🙂 I’m really excited that they too will start to pursue their careers and walking on the paths parallel to mine…I don’t really know when they’re coming back though so I hope they’ll buzz when they do…heh
And I am in love. Well, it’s not exactly the happiest thing to those who know the story but I don’t care. And don’t tell me all that nonsense about moving on because it’s a big ocean of fishes or something. Don’t even about all that “the signs are right/wrong”(like, yes, I know that there’s a ‘sign’ in being ‘insignificant’…bleagh). And especially don’t tell me to play “The Game”(I don’t subscribe to that sort of stuff)…I am not looking to get laid. If you’ve ever truly fallen in love with someone, you’d know that you’d cross that point where it’s not about getting into a relationship anymore. It kind of stops being about what you get back from that person. You just want to care about her. You just want to know that she’s doing well and all. You just want her to know that she doesn’t deserve ‘content’ like all the other people you know. She deserves ‘happy’. They say the worse thing that can happen to a person is to love someone without being able to express it. The smart aleck who came up with that is right…now if only I remember who said it…
Ok. I’m done for tonight(and it’s already morning). I’ve downed 1.5litres of Coke over the past 4 hours. I’m going to head to the airport soon so that I can beat the morning crowd before I go to Expo for the 3rd Day of Broadcast Asia where Widgeous is exhibiting at Hall 8. It’s been quite an experience so far. A lot of mistakes to learn from…
“Life is like a cinnamon sugared pretzel. It’s so yummy but you’ll have to get your hands sort of dirty.” – Ridz